First blog

Well, this is my first official blog! First, I will warn you, i use ... way too much and not even correctly, I just love it. So, it may annoy you, but it is what it is! :) This being my first blog may be pretty lengthy...I have a lot to get out!

I am 29 and was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (Breast Cancer) in July 2006 at age 28. I had a lumpectomy and 19 lymph nodes removed on 8/4/2006 and a port implanted on 8/24/2006. My lump was 5.3 CM in diameter and they removed about 7 CM in diameter total...they got clear margins the first go round! All my lymph nodes were negative, meaning the cancer did not spread to any other part of my body, thankfully! My tumor was negative for estrogen, progesterone, and HER2. I began Chemo...FEC...on 8/29/2006 and have been going once every three weeks ever since. My last chemo is scheduled for 12/19/2006 and then i will begin radiation therapy in January! Yippee!! (By the way i am very sarcastic...I'm a smart ass!) Because I was hormonally negative the radiation will be the end of my treatment...I will not need any anti-hormone treatments, etc.

In April 2006, when I first felt the lump in my left breast, I went to my gynecologist. He said he did not feel anything and that I was too young to worry about it. He sent me on my way with Vitamin E and Evening Primrose! So, I stopped worrying...about that. I used to worry about everything, EVERYTHING! I was always nervous about something and when I felt the lump...I freaked! But the Dr. was so sure of himself, I was relieved. Then it began to grow and become painful, finally it got so bad at the end of June I went to me regular Dr. She sent me for an ultra-sound and then of course followed up by sending me to a surgeon for a biopsy.

The biopsy was in July, when the Dr. inserted the needle to numb the area, he hit something and whatever it was popped! EWW!!! So he continued with the biopsy and then told my mom he was sure it was just a huge aggravated cyst...because he popped it.

About a week later (it's a little fuzzy), I was in his office hearing the worst words I could have imagined.

I remember the details about the day, just not the exact date. I was working with my dad, brother, and husband in my family's auto repair shop. i had my husband take me to the surgeon's office. We were brought into the exam room and sat there forever! I literally think we were there for around an hour before the nurse came in to explain the Dr. was with a new patient and it was taking longer then expected. (Found out later he was breaking the bad news to another woman). I thought nothing really because, you know, it was a cyst! Well, he finally came in, examined the biopsy area, placed his hands over mine and said...

"I really don't want to have to talk to you about breast cancer at your age, but I have to"

Yup...that was that! I freaked out! My husband, Adam, never moved faster, in the blink of an eye he was on the exam bed by my side holding me. i just kept looking up at him...waiting for him to say "Ha ha, your on candid camera!" or "You've just been punk'd"!!! But no one would say it...they all looked so serious, I couldn't grasp it...Then I heard this sound, like a low rumbling...it ended up being the Dr. explaining things to me and Adam, but I have no idea what he said. It was like a movie...have you ever seen A Christmas Story...you know..."You'll shoot your eye out" or like when Dorothy sees the wicked witch "I'll get you my pretty"...that is what it felt like, these weird people swirling around me saying things that just didn't make sense! It was all so surreal.

I calmed down enough to ask questions and I felt like an asshole because after I asked about chemo my first question was "Will I lose my hair". I felt so superficial, which is so not me. But apparently it is the first question for a lot of women. We are so pressured to look a certain way that when we go bald we feel like we might as well not exist. But he let me know that I would need chemo and radiation because I am so young. He explained that he did not need to remove the breast, he could remove the tumor and thankfully due to the size of my breasts (DD's at the time) he should have no problems getting clear margins. (Clear margins - removing the cancer with a border of healthy tissue, it helps ensure they removed all the cancer). So, he went on and on but I really didn't hear much. I just kept thinking I was going to wake up and it would be a bad dream...but I didn't and it wasn't...it was real.

We left the office and I instructed Adam to drive to my parents house, we had to tell them. On the way there I became angry, I was angry at the dumb ass gynecologist who sent me on my merry way just 2 months before that, I was angry at myself for being a smoker, overweight, not exercising, I was angry at the cancer...how dare it invade my boob, my body, ME!!! How dare these foreign, deformed cells interrupt MY life! I was mad, mad as hell and I was going to kick cancer's ass! ... Then I got sad and frightened...Cancer!!! Oh my...people die from cancer, people don't go on and live happy, long lives when they get cancer, they just die...

Obviously, I knew nothing about cancer.

We got to my parents house and no one was home. So we went to our home, one the way my mom called our cell...she wanted to know how the Dr. visit went...HA! I couldn't tell her on the phone, so I asked them to come over for dinner...she freaked! She was yelling "Why? Why can't you tell me now?" Seeing my face, Adam grabbed the phone from me, and told my mom just to come over.

They arrive...Adam is straightening up the house (nervous energy). I am standing in the kitchen in a daze. They know...but need to hear it. So, I tell them..."It's cancer". I think my mom had a stroke...she FREAKED OUT! She cried for like 20 minutes and then asked for the booze! So she got a little...OK more then a little...drunk. My dad was like a rock, he didn't have a reaction at all, this surprised me, I am daddy's little girl...daddy should be devastated. Then I realized, he was, but was being strong for me. My mom called her boss (a dermatologist, we will call him Dr. T) and gave me the phone so I could read the pathology report...I was the calm one...he explained what the big words meant and they were, despite telling me I had cancer, good. They explained that my body was fighting the cancer in a strong way (hence...the infamous cyst, yeah, it was there...on top of the tumor) and that was a good sign that I was a healthy girl. This brings us to my favorite joke (I made it up)

"Other then the cancer, I am a healthy girl" ha ha! I thought it up when the Dr.'s kept telling me how healthy I am...I said what the! I have cancer, but I am healthy? Whatever!

Anyway, so Dr. T told me that he was going to help me through the whole thing...he said "we will get through this together"! I think I may have met him once. What a man! He is amazing! He told my mom the next day that if I didn't have insurance he would put me on the payroll to get it for me, well I had insurance so he told her that he wanted me to go to the best doctors and if they did not accept my insurance he would pay all the bills! WHAT!?!?!? Yes, that is right ladies and gentlemen, he offered to pay my bills! This man should be sainted. I have never in my life met anyone who has ever been so generous! My own family members (the ones with money that I haven't seen very much) didn't offer to help me! Some haven't even sent a card or called me!

Next I had to tell my 20 year old brother...we called him, he came over and we told him. Another rock, he was cool as a cucumber. Again, being strong for his big sister! Big...no see he is 6 foot and I am 5'1"...so big doesn't make much sense, older...there ya go! He is a good kid and unfortunately had to leave his auto repair tech college to come home and work at the shop so I can get better. We then were told that me working at the shop was not such a good idea, with all the fumes, chemicals, stress, etc...So Dr. T to the rescue once again...he created a part time job for me and allows me to come and go whenever I want! Awesome man!!

So, I started chemo 8/29/06 and began loosing my hair 20 days after the first chemo session. It was a terrible night...I cried so hard, I cried harder then the day I was diagnosed. So, Adam gave me an Ativan (Valium) and shaved my head! I hated it! But he was such a good sport about it, he is also an awesome man! I love him more now then in all the 10 years we have been together...he says the same for me. He should also be sainted! I have gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of chemo...and I was already overweight! He doesn't care! I am bald, fat and cranky, he doesn't care, he loves me! Yeah, you think you loose weight on chemo! HA!! Breast cancer patients usually GAIN about 20 pounds!!! I think it is the steroids they give you. (I will go into that more in my next blog).

Adam's mom came and stayed with us for like a month! Oh yeah, my mom had planned a trip to Australia months before all this crap...she was scheduled to leave 8/4/06...yup, surgery day! I was so scared she wouldn't be there! But it worked out that she was able to be there for me when I woke up from surgery and then left after that. She was gone for 3 weeks! But Adam's mom was here and she was such a huge help! She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, bought me clothes! My mom called almost every day...she paid through the nose for it too, but she missed me and was worried. The surgery wasn't bad, I had no pain. So recovery was nothing. But because of the scar tissue I had to work my arm out...that was not fun. Neither was the drain! EWW! I won't go into that now.

Well, I think I have said enough for now...My arms are cramping! I am exhausted and still have to do the dishes.

Thanks for reading my blog...