Finally

I hope everyone had a great holiday! Mine was ok. You know my last chemo was 12/19 (Tuesday). That day of course I went home and took a Valium and went to bed. I stayed in bed all Thursday. I went to work Friday cause I had been out 3 days and the long holiday weekend was ahead of me and I had to take of 2 extra days after Christmas to be iwth hubby's family. So I forced myself to work Friday. In bed all Saturday and Sunday until we had to leave for my parents for Christmas Eve dinner. I felt so tired I thought I might pass out and kept getting light headed and out of balance. I chalked it up to the 6th and final chemo just kicking my ass. So Tuesday the 26th I had an appt for my blood test so I told the nurse and she said it was normal and my body needs time to heal and get over the chemo. But when the results of the blood test came back (it takes like 5 mintutes) she said I needed a shot because my hemoglobin (the part of the blood that carries oxygen throughout your body) dropped (it should be AT LEAST 12 and it was 9) so I am anemic. Apparently, I was so exhausted, weak, and lightheaded because I wasn't getting enough oxygen to my vital organs, including my brain! Chemo doesn't just kill the bad cells...anyway for a normal non-chemo person that is not too anemic (my mom is usually and always has been around 7) but because it was caused by chemo and I am fighting cancer I needed a shot of Aranesp®, which helps your bone marrow produce red blood cells. I hate shots but I dealt with it. It is not Saturday and I am like a little energizer bunny! I went out with my mom today and almost killed her I was running around the mall and talking like non-stop! I am still a little energized! I love that stuff! I think I will make them give it to me even if I don't need it! Ha!

Anyways! I have been kind down thinking about what I want to do with my life. So, I took sometime and thought about it and...

I am going to contact some Psychologists and look into getting the proper
training so I can help them counsel Cancer Patients/Survivors. I know we can all use a shrink from time to time BUT what about having someone there that has been through what you are upset about? I think that would help more then someone with a fancy degree who was "trained" to say what they say...I would actually be able to help!

So, that is what I have decided. I am trying to get around getting an actual degree, because I really do not want to go back to school. So I figure there has to be a way to train me enough to be able to assist a shrink!

I was also down because I couldn't figure out why my family and friends were not fussing over me and why some of my friends can't even make time to come see me or meet up with me. I did a lot of thinking about that and came to the realization that they have no clue what I am going through, they cannot even begin to imagine it. How can I expect them to know? When I am asked "How are you doing?" or "Are you OK, need anything" I reply "I am fine, I need nothing" but then I get upset that nobody cooks for me or offers to help clean my house or even just comes over to talk or something...I realized I cannot get upset when I am telling them I am fine! If I want something I need to learn to ask...they are not mind readers! I also realized, regarding my friends, that they have families, careers, lives of their own to worry about and I cannot expect them to drop everything in their busy, normal lives to drive up here to visit with me. I finally stopped lying to myself...I kept telling myself and my hubby that if it were them, my friends, I would drop everything if they asked me to visit or join a Walk or Race in support of their cause, etc. But I sat down and thought about it and was honest with myself and realized...No, I wouldn't. My life would be more important if the shoes were on the other feet and it was them that had cancer. I wouldn't be able to relate to them, I would have other things that I needed to take care, my shit would come first. That is just how most humans are, we are preoccupied with other shit or we are too scared and find way to make excuses. I also thought about it and I have always been one to automatically think the worst...You know, I think if someone is too busy for me I automatically say "Oh, they don't like me" or "there is something wrong with me"...when in fact, they may just be busy. So, i thought about it and said...What if my friends are scared? They didn't do the research I did on breast cancer, they don't know that more often then not woman with breast cancer are cured and live long healthy lives, they know about as much as i did before I got it...Cancer=Death...so what if they are thinking I might die? Or what if they are uncomfortable around me because they have never met anyone with cancer and do not know how I would want them to act...all these things are normal and totally understandable and totally how I would be if it were them!

So, I got over it and have been a happier girl ever since I realized all of this. My best friend joined the Komen Race for the Cure and will meet up with me that day...my other good friend just read a blog I have on myspace where I explained pretty much the same as above and she called me to tell me that she wants to understand what I am going through but it is hard and that she doesn't know what to do...So I found I was right...they are lost...confused...scared...

SO...

Have a friend with cancer? Or any other disease? Not sure what to say, how to act, what to do, but want to help or be there for them...here is what I told her...Ask THEM what THEY want you to do. You will most likely be surprised that what they want is for you to treat them like you always did, not like a sick person. All I want is to have fun and be me...not some sick girl who people pity. Just be a friend. That is that!

And with that said I will go now!

Scared

So, It has been brought to my attention that I may be a little overly sensitive...me...no, couldn't be...JK of course, I am! I have always been that way and now it is even worse due to the way I feel about myself, the steroids (which I have found out are the source of all my problems at this time), the shit I am going through...But what it is doing is making me think things that maybe aren't true...like how people feel about me. I think I am assuming that people feel the same way about me that I do.

I don't know what I am trying to say I just think I need to take a break or be by myself for a little while or something, you know some time to reflect and think. I still need to figure out what I want to do with my life after cancer. It is, as weird as this may be, scarey to think that treatment is almost over. One more week!

I mean I am so thrilled that it will be over and I will not have to feel this shitty anymore, but then life begins...life as a 'survivor'. Life with the worry of recurrence...how do you live with that on your mind? I mean how do you go on without thinking about that all that time? I am a worrier and I know it is going to be hard for me. I mean everyone says, just take it one day at a time...OK, but no one tells you how...

I guess no one really can tell YOU how to live, you just have to do it yourself...but I am somewhat scared.

And then there is this baby thing. I am so scared I will not be able to have one. Everytime I see a baby I get teary eyed and everytime a friend sends me a baby pic I cry. I got a baby shower invite in the mail last night and bawled my eyes out! Then today one of the nurses started having contractions and everyone was talking about how they can't wait to have another baby and they are starting to try...I just want one and they are talking about another! I had to get up from lunch and go back to work cause I couldn't take it anymore.

I mean what if chemo takes this away from me? Yes, I am so happy I am alive and I am beating cancer and I know I was all strong and positive about how I can just adopt and shit, but I want to feel the baby inside me, I want morning sickness and I want to know what it feels like to create life. I mean I am a woman it is one of the greatest gifts that a woman has and I may never experience it.

It is funny how when someone tells you, you may never have a baby how quickly you decide you want one.

I am also a little depressed that my life is kind of 'on hold' and everything around me is moving on as normal...engangements, weddings, careers, babies...and I am kinda stuck here...it is upsetting. I feel kind of alone I guess...it isn't that I do not love my family and my hubby but I think I need more. I need a distraction from my everyday life.

I had planned on having a Chemo-free celebration party with my friends & family but I think I would rather go away and have fun and get out of here for a few days...so I am going to my favoritest place on earth, (some may say the happiest place on earth as well) DISNEY!! Epcot to be exact and maybe Animal Kingdom as I have never been to see the animals yet. But I love me some Epcot!

Anyway, so I am just trying to find a way to get over my fears and depression. I have been keeping shit bottled up for so long now because I feel ridiculous feeling this way. I mean I am alive, I kicked cancer's sorry ass and I feel down?!?!?!? What kind of shit is that?!?!?! But I think going through all of this is kind of depressing. I mean I am no longer whole, I will never be the same Kim I was 6 months ago. But I think it is also a good thing...I wasn't the happiest, kindest person then either. I hated people and I was miserable...so maybe I will be ok and I will be a better person for it. I am just scared!

AHHHH...feels good to get it out!

Radiation

I made the appointment for my first radiation appointment today. It is the "set up"...where they will set me up and mark me...you know the "Target"! I will go January 3, 2007, YAY! I am just so happy that chemo will be over I could care less about having to lie on a hard table for 45 minutes with my arm over my head so they can but a bulls eye on my boob! Well, it is a small dot not a bulls eye but whatever.

I am just so over the side effects of the chemo or the steroids or whatever it is that is making me feel the way I do.

Let's see...there is the fatigue...utter exhaustion really. The acid reflux after everything I eat or drink...even water! Then my throat feels like it is swollen from being so irritated from the heartburn! The memory problems...actually I guess it is more cognitive issues...I mean numbers seem to run into each other and I can't think as fast as I used to. It is like being stoned all the time, but not a good stoned...for those of you who may understand what I mean...

The biggest annoyance is the tummy problems...I really don't want to go into to detail but it just sucks! If it isn't one extreme it is another...there is that enough hint for ya? :)

Also, insomnia! I mean I am soooooo friggin tired but then I am like wide awake. CRAZY!!!

But I think about it and all this crap is worth it...I mean I feel like ass because I am kicking cancer's ass! So feeling like crap for a while is worth living!

So, my hubby just asked a good question. He asked what I was doing...I told him "I'm blogging" he said What? I explained it is my diary...just anyone in the world can read it. He asked "why do other people want to read about someone else's life?"... Good question! I have no idea, but we do. Why are we so interested in other people? I mean I hate reality TV but I love going to a public place and watching and listening to other people and trying to figure out what their lives are like! I love it! I guess it is just human nature...we are a curious species! I mean if we weren't we would all still be living in some cave somewhere with nothing we have now. Nothing we have now would exist! And there would be no chemo or drugs to save us cause no one would have decided to investigate why people die or get sick! So I say, be curious, investigate things! Go on...read about other people!

OK, no idea what that was but whatever!

I am having a rather blah night, it is funny before I started this blog...yesterday...I had so much to say, so much in my head. And now I can't think! Ha!!! Weird!

So I shall sign off now!

Race for the Cure

I forgot to mention that I am going to participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in West Palm Beach, FL on January 20, 2007. If you would like to help support me and help raise money for the cause you can visit my webpage and make a secure online donation to Susan G. Komen by clicking on the link on my blog or clicking on or coping and pasting the below into your browser...

http://raceforthecure-sofla.kintera.org/knebrasky

Thank you!!!!

First blog

Well, this is my first official blog! First, I will warn you, i use ... way too much and not even correctly, I just love it. So, it may annoy you, but it is what it is! :) This being my first blog may be pretty lengthy...I have a lot to get out!

I am 29 and was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (Breast Cancer) in July 2006 at age 28. I had a lumpectomy and 19 lymph nodes removed on 8/4/2006 and a port implanted on 8/24/2006. My lump was 5.3 CM in diameter and they removed about 7 CM in diameter total...they got clear margins the first go round! All my lymph nodes were negative, meaning the cancer did not spread to any other part of my body, thankfully! My tumor was negative for estrogen, progesterone, and HER2. I began Chemo...FEC...on 8/29/2006 and have been going once every three weeks ever since. My last chemo is scheduled for 12/19/2006 and then i will begin radiation therapy in January! Yippee!! (By the way i am very sarcastic...I'm a smart ass!) Because I was hormonally negative the radiation will be the end of my treatment...I will not need any anti-hormone treatments, etc.

In April 2006, when I first felt the lump in my left breast, I went to my gynecologist. He said he did not feel anything and that I was too young to worry about it. He sent me on my way with Vitamin E and Evening Primrose! So, I stopped worrying...about that. I used to worry about everything, EVERYTHING! I was always nervous about something and when I felt the lump...I freaked! But the Dr. was so sure of himself, I was relieved. Then it began to grow and become painful, finally it got so bad at the end of June I went to me regular Dr. She sent me for an ultra-sound and then of course followed up by sending me to a surgeon for a biopsy.

The biopsy was in July, when the Dr. inserted the needle to numb the area, he hit something and whatever it was popped! EWW!!! So he continued with the biopsy and then told my mom he was sure it was just a huge aggravated cyst...because he popped it.

About a week later (it's a little fuzzy), I was in his office hearing the worst words I could have imagined.

I remember the details about the day, just not the exact date. I was working with my dad, brother, and husband in my family's auto repair shop. i had my husband take me to the surgeon's office. We were brought into the exam room and sat there forever! I literally think we were there for around an hour before the nurse came in to explain the Dr. was with a new patient and it was taking longer then expected. (Found out later he was breaking the bad news to another woman). I thought nothing really because, you know, it was a cyst! Well, he finally came in, examined the biopsy area, placed his hands over mine and said...

"I really don't want to have to talk to you about breast cancer at your age, but I have to"

Yup...that was that! I freaked out! My husband, Adam, never moved faster, in the blink of an eye he was on the exam bed by my side holding me. i just kept looking up at him...waiting for him to say "Ha ha, your on candid camera!" or "You've just been punk'd"!!! But no one would say it...they all looked so serious, I couldn't grasp it...Then I heard this sound, like a low rumbling...it ended up being the Dr. explaining things to me and Adam, but I have no idea what he said. It was like a movie...have you ever seen A Christmas Story...you know..."You'll shoot your eye out" or like when Dorothy sees the wicked witch "I'll get you my pretty"...that is what it felt like, these weird people swirling around me saying things that just didn't make sense! It was all so surreal.

I calmed down enough to ask questions and I felt like an asshole because after I asked about chemo my first question was "Will I lose my hair". I felt so superficial, which is so not me. But apparently it is the first question for a lot of women. We are so pressured to look a certain way that when we go bald we feel like we might as well not exist. But he let me know that I would need chemo and radiation because I am so young. He explained that he did not need to remove the breast, he could remove the tumor and thankfully due to the size of my breasts (DD's at the time) he should have no problems getting clear margins. (Clear margins - removing the cancer with a border of healthy tissue, it helps ensure they removed all the cancer). So, he went on and on but I really didn't hear much. I just kept thinking I was going to wake up and it would be a bad dream...but I didn't and it wasn't...it was real.

We left the office and I instructed Adam to drive to my parents house, we had to tell them. On the way there I became angry, I was angry at the dumb ass gynecologist who sent me on my merry way just 2 months before that, I was angry at myself for being a smoker, overweight, not exercising, I was angry at the cancer...how dare it invade my boob, my body, ME!!! How dare these foreign, deformed cells interrupt MY life! I was mad, mad as hell and I was going to kick cancer's ass! ... Then I got sad and frightened...Cancer!!! Oh my...people die from cancer, people don't go on and live happy, long lives when they get cancer, they just die...

Obviously, I knew nothing about cancer.

We got to my parents house and no one was home. So we went to our home, one the way my mom called our cell...she wanted to know how the Dr. visit went...HA! I couldn't tell her on the phone, so I asked them to come over for dinner...she freaked! She was yelling "Why? Why can't you tell me now?" Seeing my face, Adam grabbed the phone from me, and told my mom just to come over.

They arrive...Adam is straightening up the house (nervous energy). I am standing in the kitchen in a daze. They know...but need to hear it. So, I tell them..."It's cancer". I think my mom had a stroke...she FREAKED OUT! She cried for like 20 minutes and then asked for the booze! So she got a little...OK more then a little...drunk. My dad was like a rock, he didn't have a reaction at all, this surprised me, I am daddy's little girl...daddy should be devastated. Then I realized, he was, but was being strong for me. My mom called her boss (a dermatologist, we will call him Dr. T) and gave me the phone so I could read the pathology report...I was the calm one...he explained what the big words meant and they were, despite telling me I had cancer, good. They explained that my body was fighting the cancer in a strong way (hence...the infamous cyst, yeah, it was there...on top of the tumor) and that was a good sign that I was a healthy girl. This brings us to my favorite joke (I made it up)

"Other then the cancer, I am a healthy girl" ha ha! I thought it up when the Dr.'s kept telling me how healthy I am...I said what the! I have cancer, but I am healthy? Whatever!

Anyway, so Dr. T told me that he was going to help me through the whole thing...he said "we will get through this together"! I think I may have met him once. What a man! He is amazing! He told my mom the next day that if I didn't have insurance he would put me on the payroll to get it for me, well I had insurance so he told her that he wanted me to go to the best doctors and if they did not accept my insurance he would pay all the bills! WHAT!?!?!? Yes, that is right ladies and gentlemen, he offered to pay my bills! This man should be sainted. I have never in my life met anyone who has ever been so generous! My own family members (the ones with money that I haven't seen very much) didn't offer to help me! Some haven't even sent a card or called me!

Next I had to tell my 20 year old brother...we called him, he came over and we told him. Another rock, he was cool as a cucumber. Again, being strong for his big sister! Big...no see he is 6 foot and I am 5'1"...so big doesn't make much sense, older...there ya go! He is a good kid and unfortunately had to leave his auto repair tech college to come home and work at the shop so I can get better. We then were told that me working at the shop was not such a good idea, with all the fumes, chemicals, stress, etc...So Dr. T to the rescue once again...he created a part time job for me and allows me to come and go whenever I want! Awesome man!!

So, I started chemo 8/29/06 and began loosing my hair 20 days after the first chemo session. It was a terrible night...I cried so hard, I cried harder then the day I was diagnosed. So, Adam gave me an Ativan (Valium) and shaved my head! I hated it! But he was such a good sport about it, he is also an awesome man! I love him more now then in all the 10 years we have been together...he says the same for me. He should also be sainted! I have gained about 30 pounds since the beginning of chemo...and I was already overweight! He doesn't care! I am bald, fat and cranky, he doesn't care, he loves me! Yeah, you think you loose weight on chemo! HA!! Breast cancer patients usually GAIN about 20 pounds!!! I think it is the steroids they give you. (I will go into that more in my next blog).

Adam's mom came and stayed with us for like a month! Oh yeah, my mom had planned a trip to Australia months before all this crap...she was scheduled to leave 8/4/06...yup, surgery day! I was so scared she wouldn't be there! But it worked out that she was able to be there for me when I woke up from surgery and then left after that. She was gone for 3 weeks! But Adam's mom was here and she was such a huge help! She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, bought me clothes! My mom called almost every day...she paid through the nose for it too, but she missed me and was worried. The surgery wasn't bad, I had no pain. So recovery was nothing. But because of the scar tissue I had to work my arm out...that was not fun. Neither was the drain! EWW! I won't go into that now.

Well, I think I have said enough for now...My arms are cramping! I am exhausted and still have to do the dishes.

Thanks for reading my blog...