Scared

So, It has been brought to my attention that I may be a little overly sensitive...me...no, couldn't be...JK of course, I am! I have always been that way and now it is even worse due to the way I feel about myself, the steroids (which I have found out are the source of all my problems at this time), the shit I am going through...But what it is doing is making me think things that maybe aren't true...like how people feel about me. I think I am assuming that people feel the same way about me that I do.

I don't know what I am trying to say I just think I need to take a break or be by myself for a little while or something, you know some time to reflect and think. I still need to figure out what I want to do with my life after cancer. It is, as weird as this may be, scarey to think that treatment is almost over. One more week!

I mean I am so thrilled that it will be over and I will not have to feel this shitty anymore, but then life begins...life as a 'survivor'. Life with the worry of recurrence...how do you live with that on your mind? I mean how do you go on without thinking about that all that time? I am a worrier and I know it is going to be hard for me. I mean everyone says, just take it one day at a time...OK, but no one tells you how...

I guess no one really can tell YOU how to live, you just have to do it yourself...but I am somewhat scared.

And then there is this baby thing. I am so scared I will not be able to have one. Everytime I see a baby I get teary eyed and everytime a friend sends me a baby pic I cry. I got a baby shower invite in the mail last night and bawled my eyes out! Then today one of the nurses started having contractions and everyone was talking about how they can't wait to have another baby and they are starting to try...I just want one and they are talking about another! I had to get up from lunch and go back to work cause I couldn't take it anymore.

I mean what if chemo takes this away from me? Yes, I am so happy I am alive and I am beating cancer and I know I was all strong and positive about how I can just adopt and shit, but I want to feel the baby inside me, I want morning sickness and I want to know what it feels like to create life. I mean I am a woman it is one of the greatest gifts that a woman has and I may never experience it.

It is funny how when someone tells you, you may never have a baby how quickly you decide you want one.

I am also a little depressed that my life is kind of 'on hold' and everything around me is moving on as normal...engangements, weddings, careers, babies...and I am kinda stuck here...it is upsetting. I feel kind of alone I guess...it isn't that I do not love my family and my hubby but I think I need more. I need a distraction from my everyday life.

I had planned on having a Chemo-free celebration party with my friends & family but I think I would rather go away and have fun and get out of here for a few days...so I am going to my favoritest place on earth, (some may say the happiest place on earth as well) DISNEY!! Epcot to be exact and maybe Animal Kingdom as I have never been to see the animals yet. But I love me some Epcot!

Anyway, so I am just trying to find a way to get over my fears and depression. I have been keeping shit bottled up for so long now because I feel ridiculous feeling this way. I mean I am alive, I kicked cancer's sorry ass and I feel down?!?!?!? What kind of shit is that?!?!?! But I think going through all of this is kind of depressing. I mean I am no longer whole, I will never be the same Kim I was 6 months ago. But I think it is also a good thing...I wasn't the happiest, kindest person then either. I hated people and I was miserable...so maybe I will be ok and I will be a better person for it. I am just scared!

AHHHH...feels good to get it out!