Finally

I hope everyone had a great holiday! Mine was ok. You know my last chemo was 12/19 (Tuesday). That day of course I went home and took a Valium and went to bed. I stayed in bed all Thursday. I went to work Friday cause I had been out 3 days and the long holiday weekend was ahead of me and I had to take of 2 extra days after Christmas to be iwth hubby's family. So I forced myself to work Friday. In bed all Saturday and Sunday until we had to leave for my parents for Christmas Eve dinner. I felt so tired I thought I might pass out and kept getting light headed and out of balance. I chalked it up to the 6th and final chemo just kicking my ass. So Tuesday the 26th I had an appt for my blood test so I told the nurse and she said it was normal and my body needs time to heal and get over the chemo. But when the results of the blood test came back (it takes like 5 mintutes) she said I needed a shot because my hemoglobin (the part of the blood that carries oxygen throughout your body) dropped (it should be AT LEAST 12 and it was 9) so I am anemic. Apparently, I was so exhausted, weak, and lightheaded because I wasn't getting enough oxygen to my vital organs, including my brain! Chemo doesn't just kill the bad cells...anyway for a normal non-chemo person that is not too anemic (my mom is usually and always has been around 7) but because it was caused by chemo and I am fighting cancer I needed a shot of Aranesp®, which helps your bone marrow produce red blood cells. I hate shots but I dealt with it. It is not Saturday and I am like a little energizer bunny! I went out with my mom today and almost killed her I was running around the mall and talking like non-stop! I am still a little energized! I love that stuff! I think I will make them give it to me even if I don't need it! Ha!

Anyways! I have been kind down thinking about what I want to do with my life. So, I took sometime and thought about it and...

I am going to contact some Psychologists and look into getting the proper
training so I can help them counsel Cancer Patients/Survivors. I know we can all use a shrink from time to time BUT what about having someone there that has been through what you are upset about? I think that would help more then someone with a fancy degree who was "trained" to say what they say...I would actually be able to help!

So, that is what I have decided. I am trying to get around getting an actual degree, because I really do not want to go back to school. So I figure there has to be a way to train me enough to be able to assist a shrink!

I was also down because I couldn't figure out why my family and friends were not fussing over me and why some of my friends can't even make time to come see me or meet up with me. I did a lot of thinking about that and came to the realization that they have no clue what I am going through, they cannot even begin to imagine it. How can I expect them to know? When I am asked "How are you doing?" or "Are you OK, need anything" I reply "I am fine, I need nothing" but then I get upset that nobody cooks for me or offers to help clean my house or even just comes over to talk or something...I realized I cannot get upset when I am telling them I am fine! If I want something I need to learn to ask...they are not mind readers! I also realized, regarding my friends, that they have families, careers, lives of their own to worry about and I cannot expect them to drop everything in their busy, normal lives to drive up here to visit with me. I finally stopped lying to myself...I kept telling myself and my hubby that if it were them, my friends, I would drop everything if they asked me to visit or join a Walk or Race in support of their cause, etc. But I sat down and thought about it and was honest with myself and realized...No, I wouldn't. My life would be more important if the shoes were on the other feet and it was them that had cancer. I wouldn't be able to relate to them, I would have other things that I needed to take care, my shit would come first. That is just how most humans are, we are preoccupied with other shit or we are too scared and find way to make excuses. I also thought about it and I have always been one to automatically think the worst...You know, I think if someone is too busy for me I automatically say "Oh, they don't like me" or "there is something wrong with me"...when in fact, they may just be busy. So, i thought about it and said...What if my friends are scared? They didn't do the research I did on breast cancer, they don't know that more often then not woman with breast cancer are cured and live long healthy lives, they know about as much as i did before I got it...Cancer=Death...so what if they are thinking I might die? Or what if they are uncomfortable around me because they have never met anyone with cancer and do not know how I would want them to act...all these things are normal and totally understandable and totally how I would be if it were them!

So, I got over it and have been a happier girl ever since I realized all of this. My best friend joined the Komen Race for the Cure and will meet up with me that day...my other good friend just read a blog I have on myspace where I explained pretty much the same as above and she called me to tell me that she wants to understand what I am going through but it is hard and that she doesn't know what to do...So I found I was right...they are lost...confused...scared...

SO...

Have a friend with cancer? Or any other disease? Not sure what to say, how to act, what to do, but want to help or be there for them...here is what I told her...Ask THEM what THEY want you to do. You will most likely be surprised that what they want is for you to treat them like you always did, not like a sick person. All I want is to have fun and be me...not some sick girl who people pity. Just be a friend. That is that!

And with that said I will go now!